Sunday, August 7, 2011

Announcing my Candidacy for U.S. President!

J.P. WHIPPLE FOR PRESIDENT

“Because I could really use a white house.”

I know. Most candidates lie and say that they want to “serve their country”. We all know it’s bullshit so I am not going to lie to you. I need some money and a place to stay and I am willing to be your President to get those things!

WHY AM I RUNNING?

The President of the United States is guaranteed government housing while he serves in office. Of course, there are other ways out of a homeless situation such as getting a job but I figure it is probably easier to gather 70,000,000 votes than it is to get a response from a resume sent out into the abyss. Of course, becoming President also comes with a job of actually being President and I would be more than happy to do that in my spare time. I have been second guessing decisions made by Presidents since I was a small child and I have no doubt that there is no one in the country more capable of running this country than myself. I have great ideas! Just read below!

THE ECONOMY –

Clearly, banks have too much fucking money. To help put money back into the hands of people that will spend it we need to bring back that old fashioned American spirit of banditry. It’s high time we welcome back the bank robbers. Bank robbers are well known for spending their money fast and stimulating the local economy. Restaurants, strip clubs, motels, and dubious used car dealers will see an immediate boon. I want to encourage these hard working Americans any way I can. I will instruct the FBI to stop pursuing bandits. I will start offering courses to young people caught up in our overcrowded prison system to prepare them for an exciting career in bank robbery. Let’s face it America, banks have been robbing us for centuries. It’s time to get off our lazy asses and rob THEM.

SOCIAL ISSUES –

I am not going to ban abortions or try to stop gay people from getting married. These are God’s rules. Not ours. You know, quite frankly, I’m tired of the government having to do God’s work. We can’t afford it anymore! God has been given a free ride long enough! It’s time for Him to get off His lazy Ass and enforce His laws Himself. He has an army of angels, lightning bolts, burning bushes and INFINITE POWER!

Under my administration there will be no more government handouts to “deadbeat deities”. Your free ride is OVER God. Time to pony up just like the rest of us.

THE WARS –

It’s time to bring our troops home. I believe, as a favor to mankind, we should give the terrorists LSD. I know. This is a controversial tactic but LSD has been known to turn people into hippies. Even before The Beatles, the CIA was exploring tactical uses for LSD. Frank Olson, a CIA biological warfare expert, was in the early stages of becoming a hippie after being covertly dosed by fellow agents (Questioning authority… Ready to make a life change and do something more ethical…) before the CIA defenestrated him. And just think John Lennon of The Beatles went from writing violent lyrics like “Run for life if you can little girl” to shit like “All you need is love” after taking acid.

Sure, hippies are a drain on society wandering around smelling bad and not buying anything but it much easier to fight them. Let the fucking Taliban come at us and try to put flowers in our M-16 barrels.

“War is over if you want it.” John Lennon (post LSD)

CAMPAIGN FINANCING –

No more corporate underwriting, PACs, or annoying fucking emails sent to you every day with hyperbolic statements about how everything you know and love is in peril unless you waste your money championing some shithead who won’t do a damn thing on your behalf anyway.

Fuck that.

Under my plan, the government will pay for all political campaigns. Don’t worry about this raising the deficit. It won’t. I am just going to make elections fair again. Each candidate will be given a black marker and some cardboard.

Best pick a good off-ramp for your stump speech.

Good Luck!

DEBT –

Yeah… I have heard about the debt. Even while living in my truck. Debt blah blah blah… So what? Why don’t we just do what half the people and many of the corporations in this country have already done? Declare Bankruptcy. After seven years we can start borrowing irresponsibly again. We can sell off Texas too. I heard they wanted to leave anyway. Good riddance.

Another sensible strategy for balancing the budget is to invade the Cayman Islands. I know it means another war but we can conquer the Caymans on the cheap. Fifty soldiers and five hundred bartenders offering free Daiquiris would do the job. Once conquered all those US corporations headquartered there will have to start paying taxes on the ridiculous profits. This will generate billions in revenue! Problem SOLVED.

MORE IDEAS COMING!

This is just a few ideas on J.P. Whipple will save America! These are just my plans for the first hundred days!( Although I do intend to take the rest of my term off. I hear Camp David is more chill than the White House. I will be throwing one hell of a party. Stop by! The drinks are on YOU!)

You can support my campaign by giving me money, buying my CDs or books, offering me a place to stay for a couple of days, or buying me a drink. Together we can put me in a nice home and save America!

http://jpwhipple.com

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Keep Doing What You're Doing...

“Keep doing what you’re doing.”

Yeah… I hear that again and again. Terrible advice but I follow it anyway… as quixotic as it is. For what it’s worth, after two years on the road I have become one hell of a musician… in a time when no one buys music anymore… in a time when few people go to clubs to hear music… whether they can’t afford it because of the economy… or whether it is because they don’t want to risk the police gauntlet at a time when being near someone who drinks is enough to get you a DUI… or whether they would rather watch something on their Netflix or one of their ten fucking billion channels… or whether they would rather hang out “liking” shit on facebook…

Keep doing what you’re doing.

At the time when I started to seriously pursue music… the early nineties… it seemed like one of the few ways to express yourself that had some potential for success. Being someone whose artistic needs cannot be suppressed or ignored without serious fucking mental and emotional consequences, I had to find some way to get this shit out. I tried painting, drama and photography but all that seemed so… well… antique.

But music seemed fresh and very much alive in the early nineties. People look back on Nirvana now and think… well… “Kobain was such a genius” Bullshit. Nirvana was a pretty average garage band with unapproachable lyrics. They would have been completely ignored if not for their very fortunate timing. Independent labels were flourishing. A large college aged population were craving something more interesting than the bullshit that had dominated the 80’s rock scene. I mean… seriously… fuck Motley Crue. Yeah… go ahead and tell me how great you think they were. I assure you that they sucked in every way. They had a decent drummer. Like I give a fuck.

“Girls girls girls”

I have spelled out better lyrics with my vomit after consuming a fifth of Jack.

So suddenly there was “alternative” rock. The big labels couldn’t completely dominate the market anymore. There was room and an audience for someone with some fucking vision. “Smells like Teen Spirit” rocked the world. There was room in this business for someone like me.

That was a long time ago. My ambition back then was to make great albums and sell enough of them to get by. Then came Napster, torrents and cheap recording equipment. On the one hand every fucking wannabe could make an album and on the other no one was buying records at all. Sure there is still great music out there and perhaps even more of it than ever but no one buys it anymore. But by this time, I had sold my soul. I had invested so much into learning to play instruments, sing, and entertain that there really is no turning back. The economy has tanked. Permanently (I hate to break it to you). Obama can’t put Uncle Humpty Dumpty Sam back together. The idiots on the other side can only make things much much worse. There really isn’t much point in sending out resumes back to the “real” world. The corporate world HR person will Google my ass and instead of seeing someone with serious skills… someone who can build a website… write clever songs and stories… design packages… play instruments… engineer and produce quality music… they will see a degenerate… a rebel… loose canon… a barefoot weirdo…

Forget it.

Keep doing what you’re doing.

Like I have a choice here.

The sad thing is this time… as horrible as it is… is my time. I know this not by how awesome I think I am but by my CD sales per audience member… by how much money gets thrown at me… how many people come up to tell me how awesome I am… by how many people tell me…

Keep doing what you’re doing…

But it’s rough… hitting half empty clubs on a weekend night. Some nights are better but I still haven’t figured out how to get that “give-a-shit” quotient up. I beg and beg my few fans to help me out. Share videos and shit… but it’s hard. We are so distracted. So I hit the road. I barely have change for gas to the next town. I am totally dependent on an old Toyota truck. It is my home now. The bad news is that it is old. The good news is that it is a Toyota. Thank god. I would be done by now if I drove a Ford.

I do love what I do. It took me awhile to accept the whole one man band thing but now I am enjoying it. I like always being able to have my lyrics heard over the racket. I love that I am able to get people to dance. It’s a good job for me. I am kept insane by going insane in a controlled environment (the stage). The hours are pretty good. I get to work barefoot. It suits my stubborn duct taped together personality.

But it’s a bad time. Clubs are struggling. Musicians are struggling. I am not sure what the solution is. Some say selling out. Indeed, one commercial would be a year’s income for me. Others think maybe crowd-funding is the future. You want me to “keep doing what I am doing”? Help me out.

Today, I am stuck in a Catch-22. Most of me really wants to live inside and stop this fucking merry-go-round… at least for a month or two… but I would need some income to do that. A job. That’s a dodgy thing. Even in good times, jobs have been hard to come by for me. The rub is that if I end my tour and try to settle and can’t find work, I am really screwed. Most clubs are booked three to six months in advance. That means I would be stuck without income for three months. Plenty of time to turn my truck into a shopping cart. Plenty of time to get kicked into the gutter without any way out.

Keep doing what you’re doing.

I hope the truck has a few more miles in her but I know she won’t run like this forever.

And neither will I.